“You wanted clouds?”
They do say you get what you ask for.
While I don’t seriously believe that a person can whisk up the weather conditions they desire, I have reevaluated my thoughts about getting what you ask for.
Late in the afternoon I refresh the water bowls and top up seed trays.
Yesterday was so lovely, I wandered about enjoying it all.
“It just isn’t so”, I thought.
“Since I was a young girl, I yearned for a particular life and it never happened.”
So, as far as I was concerned, the saying was false.
You do not get what you ask for.
Or what you think about.
First of all, thinking about something and asking for it are not the same.
When I was in therapy, I read all sorts of theories. I figured that somewhere I might find one that would help me cope with crushing depression.
There was a stigma attached to seeking psychiatric care. The uncle I lived with then called it looking for an excuse.
Whatever anyone wanted to call it, I knew I had to make the effort to rid myself of the black, black thoughts that brought me low all day, every day.
The person I was back then must have had a very strong survival instinct.
There were no suicide attempts. I believe it carries very bad karma.
But I was quite self-destructive and deliberately careless. I wanted to hurt myself and if I died in an accident…no bad karma.
My mind was seriously messed up.
Deep down, either I was a coward or maybe I actually wanted to cling to life.
What I really wanted, I think, was for people to realise how they had hurt me. But it was never going to happen. I needed to let the idea go.
In truth, I never really did. It was only after they were all gone that the weight was lifted.
Only then did I begin to know the real me, the person I truly was.
The thoughts I had, all those years ago about what I wanted my life to be, were coloured by too many negative experiences.
If I had got what I thought I wanted, it would not have worked out the way I hoped. I was too messed up.
What I have come to believe is that the Universe provides what we need even though we may not realise it.
A few times, I have made very sudden and drastic decisions, following my heart even when well-meaning people did their best to persuade me I was making a mistake.
And those times, despite adversities that resulted, I have been happy with the eventual outcome.
No longer burdened with worrying what other people might think, I have been able to notice all sorts of things.
In one of those books I read, the author wrote that when driving somewhere, he visualised a parking space which inevitably opened up for them.
Perhaps he had a much better relationship with the Universe. That sort of thing does not happen to me!
But there are lots of little things that work out for me in moments when I totally relax and let a situation develop without my input.
I think this is so for everyone, but we are so busy in our heads, we just don’t notice.
More than anything, I always wanted to live surrounded by Nature, with her wonderful creatures.
To be able to watch the sky.
After Panther died, I could not shake the sadness, could not imagine a moment when his loss would ever stop hurting.
Telling yourself that your grief is excessive, inappropriate, only serves to make it worse, longer lasting.
Whatever you feel, you have to allow it or it will fester inside.
One day, 18 months after Panther died, a little grey kitten came down the steep hill behind my house. She lifted her head and our eyes met.
Tell me that the Universe does not provide.
“Yes, but will it provide lunch?”
“Must we do everything for ourselves?”