Not conceding

21st October 2022

It’s already late and I haven’t got a thing done.

Periodically I have insomnia. Often it’s more a matter of cat disturbances but last night the brain said:

“No! Not sleeping.”

Instead it sent messages to my legs:

“Things are crawling on you….”

Restless leg syndrome. When it’s bad, there is no way you’re getting to sleep. And this is why, once in a while, I just need that tiny little extra .5mg of lorazepam.

What is the big damn deal?

Where can one go to find a primary care physician who will respect a senior citizen? It’s not just me being difficult or over-sensitive, either.

But that is a boring topic.

As you can see, I have scrolled even further back into my Fall inventory.

On October 21st we went to Greenwich and on the way home turned off to go cross country.

Somehow we had never before explored these roads which are minutes from home.

A very fine day it was too. We were pleased to see dairy cattle grazing freely. Mostly they are cooped up in barns or scrounging on wasteland.

There are a number of reasons, why I am not getting to sleep lately.

For one thing weird weather. Freezing one night, warm the next.

You bundle snugly into bed and 5 minutes later you’re thinking “I must have a fever!”. Turn the radiator off. Open a window.

A few hours later you start to shiver.

The cats look at us reproachfully as if we control the temperature.

With energy costs so high, it would be nice if we could!

Computer frustrations.

For some reason I find myself these days having to enter passwords a dozen times a day and then waiting for the two-step check code to come through.


This mainly concerns Word Press which periodically makes little unannounced changes to their editing feature just for fun.

Additionally Word Press is temperamental about allowing me to comment on blogs that I follow. Sometimes I may and other times I may not.

It all wastes more time.

Then the other day, I confess, I really lost my temper.

Dear old Toby sat on my keyboard. Generally I can avoid allowing this to happen but I wasn’t fast enough and the screen went black.

Lifting the dear boy and placing him elsewhere, I contemplated my blank, black screen.

It didn’t take long to figure that it was a simple matter of the brightness being turned all the way down.

What exactly is the point in having a black screen on an active PC?

Turn the brightness up!”

How am I going to do that:

when I can’t see anything?

Well, I know how to go into “Preferences”, but how was I to position the cursor ON A BLACK SCREEN?

So I sat scowling at it: “Hello in there!”

There was the faintest glimmer….if I could just get the cursor….

Except that my mouse is not co-operating. It doesn’t like my mouse pad. So sometimes it works and other times….

“NOPE. No can do.”

Breathing deep, I composed myself.

I shall NOT concede defeat.

With my nose against the screen, I cajoled the mouse.

“There you are….now just move over….NO! Damn!

“Right. Here we go again….where are you…..there…up a bit…

…over and over, as I ground my teeth.

Finally I managed to activate “Preferences”

But where exactly was the “Brightness” icon?

You would think that if it can be scaled down by a cat’s butt on the keyboard, a human finger ought to be able to reverse the command. Believe me, I tried. Everything.

Each time I hunted through “Preferences”, the cursor would toddle off somewhere else and have to be summoned back with a lot of squinting into the dark twilight of my PC.

After about 90 minutes of this activity, I was getting slightly frustrated.

Does it help, to call inanimate objects rude names?

Does it help to bang your mouse around?

Computer mice, and printers, never work for me.

Years ago, when I was a working woman, I had a troublesome mouse that pushed me too far. It ended up smashed to pieces.

Which was the only way my employer could be persuaded to give me a new one. Of course I did not confess that I had killed the other.

Remembering the satisfaction of hurling that damn thing at a wall, I seized my current mouse…..

“Carolyn, control yourself” a voice said

So I thumped it on my desk again, anointing it with a new name.

Many, many years ago, I harbored a lot of anger brought on by frustration and one or two other experiences.

Anger eats you up inside, rots your guts and turns you into a really unpleasant person. I was fortunate to find therapists who knew how to help me.

The change happened very gradually but one day I found myself in a frustrating situation and realized that I was not angry as I previously would have been.

What a relief to have let it all go. Like having a ton weight removed.

For a long time, I seemed to be free of anger and was very much happier for it. In part it was a matter of forgiveness, of not seeking retribution or apologies, of just letting it all go.


So it was somewhat disturbing to discover that in certain circumstances I can quickly become incandescent. It’s generally when I am very tired or when faced with frustration.

It is controllable. If your doctor will issue you the required drug.

Instead she adds to the frustration .

But I shall not concede defeat in this either.

7 thoughts on “Not conceding

  1. If there is one thing that frustrates me immensely, it is a an “uncooperative” computer (or mouse). My husband says it’s because I don’t understand its “inner works” … well, I also don’t have the slightest interest to learn how it works. I normally just leave it right there, go make myself a cup of tea and handing the problem over to my dearest (I have never seen a man with so much patience). So, although I completely understand your frustration, I can unfortunately be of no help! Except … I LOVE your photos in today’s post – the different shades of yellow is beautiful!

  2. You have to adjust your brightness like that? My monitor has buttons under the screen edge. On/Off, Brightness, Contrast. No need to use the mouse, and cat-proof too. (Not that I have a cat).
    Best wishes, Pete.

    1. Daft, isn’t it? It happens on my phone too. Grant’s computer has a touch sensitive screen which I think is usual these days but with cats back and forth, that doesn’t work so well either.

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