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The prospect of abandoning the anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications I’d been prescribed for many years did not in itself trouble me.
Indeed, I welcomed the idea of severing my dependence on drugs which I likely would not have agreed to in the first place, if I’d had any notion of becoming habituated to them.
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Withdrawal would be very unpleasant, but somehow I would cope with that.
What really troubled me about abandoning those dreadful drugs was my concern over how I might cope in the future when confronted with serious anxiety.
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It is safe to say that time has come!
At no time, during my sixty years here, has life in the USA been more stressful than in this past month.
We anticipated that it would be so, but how could we have prepared for such complete, mind-blowing chaos and totally shameless corruption?
How it will end, I cannot guess.
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Apart from my desire to not be dependent on drugs, I was concerned about the possibility, sometime in the future, of those drugs becoming unavailable, either banned or simply unaffordable.
Indeed, I am very grateful to be free from such a genuine concern.
But what I have been most relieved to discover, is that despite the anxiety of current affairs, I have not turned into a nervous wreck.
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In the past, anxiety manifested in a very physical way, shaking, sweating, being unable to concentrate.
Every nerve in my body came alive such that I felt as though insects crawled on me.
Which is also how it feels to be in withdrawal.
It is, to say the least, extremely unpleasant and that is what I feared.
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The loss of a beloved pet was a rare occasion when I turned to anxiety medication. Never taking the maximum dosage I was prescribed, I always had enough for emergencies such as that.
But when we lost Patches and then Tinkerbelle, I found myself able to cope without even considering the absence of anxiety medication.
It surprised me, but still I wondered about future calamities.
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Here we are and I am filled with disbelief, disgust, anger, frustration…
But my nerves are fine.
Perhaps it’s the calm before the storm?
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All my life, I’ve manifested patience – until it ran out, at which juncture I’ve tended to blow up rather noisily, apt to throw things or occasionally break things.
It was so satisfying to hurl my malfunctioning mouse at a wall.
Decades ago, anger made me self-destructive.
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As it built up, I was keenly aware.
Now, there have not yet been breakages, despite the deep frustration of being unable to combat the madness.
It reminds me that in the time before accepting anxiety medication, I was not inclined to be nervous.
What led me there was the combination of a stressful job paired with an even more stressful home life.
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Removing myself from the latter would have made me able to better cope with the former, but such was not a possibility.
So I accepted anxiety medication which, I realise now, actually over time increased the anxiety.
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There was no discussion of side-effects or possible long-term dependency. or the dangers of withdrawal.
Then came anti-depressants. And opiates for pain relief.
What you take is your own responsibility. There is a good reason I never got into “recreational drugs”. I knew enough about the dangers of those.
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Misguidedly, I trusted medical doctors.
Trust has to be earned and I had always applied this belief, in most cases. It seemed to me though, that you needed to trust certain people and it never occurred to me to question a physician.
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This does not mean I think they are all scoundrels. I have met a handful who are dedicated professionals who have helped me a great deal.
Simply, I belatedly learned to be cautious.
Next week, in fact, I’ve been persuaded to meet a new one, but I’m planning to make it a short acquaintance.
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In the meantime, Grant came upon this delightful young man who is a vet in Turkey.
Watching him on YouTube, treating animals, many of them rescues, is completely therapeutic.
Highly recommended.
Much better than medication.
Thank you, Carolyn, for the interesting post, and as always, excellent photography!
Joanna
I think everyone worldwide is sharing a little bit of the stress. Love and hugs to you.
I’m sure. Thank you Peter.
Hi there – sending all the very best as usual. Yes – we are living in dark times. And you for sure have learned a load along the way about coping and managing and sometimes doing even better. So well done to you. It’s not been any easy journey by the sounds of it.
I’m sure you may already do this but I find not subjecting myself to things coming AT me helps. That means turning down the news input (especially the TV) and standing back and reading about things after they have happened and the drama dust has settled. It doesn’t change anything but it does mute the alarm bells rung by others and gives an opportunity to take a deep breath, look at the sunrise, and watch the snow fall before diving back into the maelstrom of misery.
In any event all the best.
And did you know – today is the 14th anniversary of Larry the Cat’s arrival at 10 Downing Street!
I did not know of Larry’s anniversary! I’d like to read his diary.
I’m very happy that your anxiety is under control without medication – it’s certainly not easy when you’ve been on anxiety medication for years (I’ve seen so many patients in the hospital where I worked who simply couldn’t cope without it). You can definitely give yourself more credit for doing so well without this medication — it reminds me of that saying, “You’re capable of a lot more than you think.”