It’s a bit of a trudge, out to the end of the property, especially when it’s under 5 inches of snow and now that we have three little graves up there, it always makes me a bit sad.
So I don’t go often, but there is a good view and late afternoon is always lovely.
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Locating the marker, I dusted it off and told myself not to be ridiculous. They can’t feel cold anymore.
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Losing my animal friends has always been hard but now there is a difference. The 8 cats that survive are the last there can ever be.
My greatest fear is the possibility of leaving behind an animal when I am gone.
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The thought of 8 more losses takes my breath away, but leaving any one of them behind would be so much worse.
What will life be like, when they are all gone?
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Unbearably sad I think, and that is why, when my aunt lost her last beloved dog, she was unconsolable.
Unable to bear that she was so sad, I sought to bring her comfort which ended in total heartbreak.
Without too much difficulty, I located an older dog to bring my aunt comfort. She loved him.
But had I considered a situation in which my aunt predeceased her dog?
It wasn’t something I wanted to think about but I would be responsible, of course.
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However, for someone who can always imagine worst-case scenarios, I could not have failed more completely.
My aunt was hospitalised by a stroke and after the dog bit a child that was teasing it, he had to be barred from the nursing home.
My aunt died of a broken heart.
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No one enjoys failing, but you turn it into a lesson and let it go. I have always been able to move on.
But what I caused to happen to my aunt will haunt me until I die.
Mostly, it is like an ache that doesn’t go away but every once in a while, something brings it to the fore with the guilt and the pain as fresh as ever.
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One of my first life-lessons was the need to prepare for all eventualities.
According to developments, you adjust appropriately as thought out.
Then as the years went by, I discovered that it really isn’t possible to prepare for everything.
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At least not unless you can accept a very empty and unsatisfying life.
Then why live at all?
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My sister-in-law died prematurely at the age of 52. My brother was devastated but in time he found another partner and she now is afflicted with Alzheimer’s which is a different and maybe even more painful sort of devastation.
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“It is better to have loved and lost.”
Is it?
Unless you have a heart of stone, there will always be pain and grief. It is the price of happiness and joy.
What is guilt the price of?
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The quotes I found don’t seem to fit, but the lesson here is that I should avoid further excursions to the top corner of the property.
At least for now.
Thank you, Carolyn, for your thoughts that resonate with me because I always strived to be prepared for every eventuality. Until all our plans are dismissed by the events beyond our control.
Your last decision is right one, I think, because you don’t want to end up ill!
Joanna
I love all the combinations of light and shade in these snowy pictures.
It is always a difficult decision to take, whether to invite another animal in to share your life. We decided not to take on another after we lost Daisy. One consideration was the fact that Erica had a nasty fall and I suffer from vertigo. We did not want to take the chance of tripping over a playful cat, as we are both unsteady at times, and didn’t want to add to the risk of falling!
It is all too easy to fall over a cat. We believe Sophia’s great trauma was that someone fell over or on her. But any srt of fall is bad for a person, at any age!
If it can bring any comfort … I don’t think you could have given Lucy, Penny and Toby their final resting place in a more beautiful place than there at the top of the hill! I think it’s only human that we’ll always blame ourselves for decisions we’ve made (or maybe haven’t made), but at the end of the day it’s not really going to make any difference now. Believe in your heart that the decisions you have made in your life, was always done taken other people into account – even I, who do not know you personally, know this.
Thank you. It’s hard sometimes knowing what is best for other people because it is impossible to know their deep down feelings. We can only do our best.
I used to go to the final resting place far away in the next town. Each visit each time was like a knife through the heart, remembering all that was lost, never to return. On each visit, I wondered if I would ever be “okay”, whatever that meant. But I still went because I wanted to honour an earthly life which ended. I felt the need to honour both the life and its sorrowful end, in that quiet and peaceful resting place. It took me 16 years to be some sort of “okay”. Even then, I can never be sure when the pain would wash over me again. But I will continue to go for as long as I’m able to travel because death, however unwelcome, has become a part of my life now. I welcome all the parts of me. So, if I welcome joy and go towards it, it makes sense to me to give this death its rightful honour in this way.
You are treasuring and honouring all your beloveds gone now in the way only you can. Be it a visit to their final place or writing about them, it’s your way and it is your love. Now, you have 8 others you have chosen to open your heart to. If you should precede them, go in peace, I say. They will have Grant. From your accounts, he loves them all too and will do his best for them. I hope too that you will find peace in your heart to know that not many will give of their hearts as much as you have. You gave the cats, not a house, but a home.
I completely understand everything in this post. When my mum’s last cat and dog had died, she told me, “No more. I can’t manage to take them out, and can’t bear the thought of the dog or cat outliving me. She died almost three years later, always missing having a pet.
I feel the same about when Ollie goes. No more after him.
Best wishes, Pete. x