Yesterday my batteries were flat. That is to say my personal, internal batteries.
Not only were the batteries flat, they were exuding negativity. Which is to say that I felt spiky.
Grant took one look at me and asked “Did you go down the hole again?”
During the months when I was weaning off oxycodone, I spent quite a lot of time down that hole, and he knows the signs.
Clinical depression never goes away. It can be managed with the right drug/s, but it’s always there, ready to snare you if you let your guard down.
This time I was not teetering on the edge, nor had I fallen all the way in.
I was more like the idiot tourist who recently “fell into Vesuvius” while taking a selfie and had to be rescued.
(He was arrested for being a nuisance.)
Taking account of myself, I concluded that I too had fallen on a shelf. My rescue would come from confronting whatever issue had reared it’s ugly head.
So, what was it?
My nerves were ragged. Small everyday things were annoying me.
A technical problem was making my brain explode.
Three nights of feline disturbance had left me exhausted and then I woke yesterday to stabbing pain in the foot.
Time to shut down and re-set.
While I was doing that I asked myself what other factors were contributing to this bad humour.
In large part it is self-inflicted by imagining things that are very likely not fact. Worrying about what other people may be thinking.
A pointless thing to fret about. People will think what they may. The only person I have to please is myself.
My code of ethics requires that I should be attentive of others and I do try, but you cannot be all things to all people. Lately I had been feeling “in the middle”.
“Treading on eggs” is something I never enjoy, having had to live that way for a long period once.
So I am reminding myself to dismiss all that.
What else was niggling?
It has been impossible to ignore developments in the January 6th hearings. Each new revelation seems to be more shocking than the last.
What appalls me more than anything, I think, is the sense I get that the great majority are really not shocked, that in the end no-one will be held to account.
Whether or not anyone is actually punished is not the point. What matters is that they should be excluded from ever again holding public office.
Which leads to the hopeless state of our government.
How is it, that crucial efforts to achieve clean air and clean energy can be shot down by one man who profits from the coal industry?
Clearly I know nothing about our system.
But I know it does not work.
Thinking and worrying about all this is doing my head in, so I say to myself: “Stop it! Stop thinking about it!”
But isn’t that we are all guilty of? Giving up? Allowing bad policies to continue? Allowing criminals to go free because making them accountable is all too much trouble?
At my time of life I am comforted by knowing that for me personally, all of this really makes no difference.
But it still makes my blood boil.