Raw

25th February, 2022

Such a very simple thing in which to take such delight.

As ever, the storm passed.

Grant cast shovels-full of snow aloft where it emphasized the depth of blue above.

There were also some new frost images to capture:

There is so much comfort in Nature. But I don’t want to be comforted. I feel it would be very wrong for me to seek comfort, for it is not I who suffers.

What good are tears?

Tears serve no purpose against monsters but I can barely hold them back.

Perspective. What perspective?

Unable to think straight, I added a few words to what I laughingly call a poem, an outlet for despairing thoughts.

That I shall probably keep to myself.

Better to write words of encouragement and cheer.

But I have none.

So I determined to divert myself somehow.

On Friday I had received responses to questions sent through patient portals to members of my medical “team”. (Ha!)

They were most unhelpful.

In my mind there is an image of a ping pong ball in a doubles match wherein I am the ball and my medical doctors are the players.

What I feel is that I must, at the earliest opportunity, avoid the bats and roll off the table, concealing myself under a large piece of very heavy furniture.

Time to order my mind and make a new plan.

So I opened a fresh document and began to type, starting from my arrival back in New York, in 2018.

3 pages later, I was done.

Deliberately, I had not restrained the flow of words that described my experience with the medical “system”.

So there was a fair smattering of sarcasm and not a little emotion. For the sake of credibility, those would have to be removed,

before I presented the document to…

who, exactly?

Tomorrow I must start the search for a different practitioner who may be willing to prescribe the medications I need without the added requirement of a psychiatrist.

Him, and his attitude, I definitely do not need. Being treated as old and simple-minded by someone in that profession verges on abuse.

My problems are insignificant.

With no God to pray to, I have nothing to offer but my very unsophisticated and basic thoughts.

May the monsters rot.

May there be peace.

9 thoughts on “Raw

  1. LOVE the first couple of pictures of snow in the blue sky!! And your new frost images are absolute artworks … and how pretty is the picture of Little Red.
    Hope your search for a new practitioner is a success … if you don’t mind, I’ll pray for you … sending love 💌

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another wonderful, sophisticated post, Carolyn! Brilliant photographs of the blue sky, and the little creatures that are not aware of the role they are playing. It is not you who needs a psychiatrist but your practitioner!

    Thank you!

    Joanna

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So wonderful to see nature’s art captured marvellously by you, with a little help from Grant, the snowman! Thank you Carolyn. I really hope you are able to find a suitable practitioner soon. Meanwhile, across the miles, we hope and pray for an end to the terrible ordeal the peoples of Ukraine are having to endure.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The shoveled snow pictures are brilliant. You are very talented, and I wish you were luckier with health care.
    I am not a believer in God, either, but I do think we can pray without that. Life is full of mystery, and collective focus of intention might help, given there is little else we can do for Ukraine from here.
    Little Red is always a joy to see.

    Liked by 1 person

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