“That was all about anger,” said Grant this morning, referring to last night’s fireworks which were louder and more numerous by far than any we have previously heard here. I agreed. I had exactly the same thought. They were not “fun fireworks”. They were set off in quick succession, a fast series of loud bangs that seemed to say “Fuck you. We’re mad!”

I can’t say I disagree, though I daresay our thoughts vary slightly.

Governor Cuomo had reminded, just days ago, that fireworks are illegal and dangerous, although they were readily available in our local supermarket. Not that I approve of the wretched things. I think they are anti-social, and they frighten animals terribly. And injure people every year.

For once, last night, I wasn’t pissed off by the noise, thinking “yes, I feel that way too.”

What am I mad about? Mostly that man. If you can call him such. He’s about as much of a man as that other blob in North Korea. Two peas in a pod. I am offended to be of the same species as a creature that can spit such hatred with every word. And lie, and lie, and lie, never being held in account for it.

It’s not just him and his lies and all the confusion about viruses.

It’s the general way people get pushed around by money grubbing big business and politicians in their pockets.

Ordinary people don’t matter any more.

Decency has departed.

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But at least I can tell the truth.

The truth is I am sorry for myself, and not proud of it.

Reminding myself of everybody who is worse of just makes me feel worse.

Today I feel kind of how Willow looks in these pictures.

Experience tells me it’s a chemical reaction to the adjustment in my medication, although I had not expected it to kick in so soon.

Malaise, perhaps you would call it.

I just don’t feel well.

But it’s being on the edge of tears all the time that’s really bothersome. As if knifed in the heart.

It doesn’t help that my brain makes me dream awful sad things, as if I need to be tortured some more.

Time for that again.

God, it’s a bore.

The doctor just reduced my dosage, saying a pharmacist would “get in touch” , to sort out my “weaning”.

Just like that.

No consideration given for what the result might be.

How about talking to the pharmacist first?

He’s young, newly indoctrinated, out to put things right. Get the old bat off oxy.

Hey, young man…the old bat is a person. (Who apparently can’t speak.)

Why be mad at him? He’s doing his job and I’m just one more client in a long boring day. As usual, I allowed myself to be intimidated. I am my own worst enemy.

I’ve been down this road before. It will get better. Eh, Willow?

14 thoughts on “Fireworks!

  1. Take care of yourself. You’ve got folks who love your blog and care about you. I look forward to your postings every single day. I’m with you on your pharmaceutical “journey” and I’m with you in your feelings about “that man”. He’s a real pain in the backside. And my kitty Khloe is with me in supporting you and your four-legged furry family, as well…..and Grant.

  2. Really sorry you are having a rough time but you have written a great post, as someone outside of America it is hard to fathom the behaviour of so called leadership there, I hope things get better. Those photos of willow are beautiful.

  3. Hopefully you get better soon! I love reading your posts, you are good writer and honest in your opinions. There are so many jokes about your leader, he is a real joke… I hope he is not selected on November. Take care!

  4. Dear Carolyn, Yes, “that man” is horrible! It is very difficult to understand why so many people enable his hurtful, destructive behavior toward others. Coming to the realization that so many people I thought I knew and understood really are applauding his white supremacy mantra has been quite a shock so that I’m not sure whom to trust anymore.
    The feeling I’m experiencing most of the time is absolute helplessness to correct any of the harmful events that are happening in our country. I hope the November election will offer some reprieve and a saner way forward.
    I also hope your prescription issues are resolved compassionate. I am also prescribed a medicine that if I don’t take it right on time, every day, I suffer greatly so that I have some to understand and empathize with people who become addicted to illegal drugs.
    As always your post is insightful and of course Willow is beautiful.

  5. I can’t understand why it seems that the only objective is to get you off the narcotics, when the reason you have been taking them is that you are in pain. Is your young, gung-ho doctor assuring you that the Lyrica will control your pain as well as or better than the Oxy? Why is the pharmacist and not the doctor doing the prescribing of the meds? Actually, maybe it’s better that the doctor isn’t doing the prescribing?

    Hoping for better days soon. I hated the awful fireworks, too!

  6. They have tried for years to switch me to Lyrica and I agreed to try it twice. Both times made me suicidal! Don’t let them bully you.

    1. Well that’s handy to know! Actually I have been on Lyrica for a while and it made a huge difference, pain and energy-wise. Now I have to see what happens when I up the dosage and scale down the oxy. I feel better since I met the man who will help me. He is a pain management doctor of pharmacology and of all the people I have met in this long road, he seems the most informed and up-to-date. There’s always hope! Thanks for the head’s up, though!

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