When something good happens, I hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s my pessimistic nature, I suppose.
Early on, I discovered that I didn’t much like being disappointed.
The most efficient way to avoid disappointment, I decided, was to lower ones expectations.
If you expect nothing, you can only be pleasantly surprised.
Not much of a philosophy, but it has saved me an awful lot of dejection.
If you adopt this mindset, however, it is important to keep it to yourself, or you will for sure never get anywhere.
My friend Tim knew me well enough to call me the “SI”.
Well someone had to be sensible!
Everybody has disappointments.
Isn’t it really how you handle them that matters?
Part of succeeding in life is knowing your destination, or your goal.
By that I mean your passion.
When I graduated from college, my goal was to find a job that would provide a salary with which I could pay back my loans and contribute to my upkeep.
It was hardly a passion.
Fact is, when I have known where I wanted to go or what I needed to do, I have overcome many obstacles to reach my destination.
It is said that the Universe provides what you ask for and I have always maintained this cannot be true or I should have become someone else.
But what if I yearned for something that would not have been right for me? Maybe my reasoning was not true.
Get to the point….!
Yesterday I mentioned being distracted by a dreaded appointment.
By the time I got there I was nervous to the point of being almost sick.
In my mind I had been imagining the scenario, composing a speech.
But how do you prepare to meet a complete stranger? I had thought it through so many times and abandoned all conclusions.
My verbal skills are nil. I get tongue-tied and then I feel like an idiot which makes things worse.
Why was I so especially nervous?
It was my latest attempt to find a primary care provider that could actually help me.
Someone who might offer to help me rather than telling me what they would not do for me. My two previous pcp’s did just that.
The last one additionally insulted me.
This, I had decided, I would not put up with.
Easy to say, but after a whole sequence of bad medical encounters, you begin to wonder if maybe you had better just get used to it. The elderly are generally not respected in this country and I have never been good at standing up for myself.
What if my medical record indicated that I am a difficult woman?
Then I began to ask myself “are you a difficult woman?”
No. I am NOT.
Just….don’t piss me off.
Actually I am a very patient person, mostly because I have had to be. I can tolerate quite a lot of being messed about.
But when the patience runs out…
So anyway, I was very nervous. As much so as I have ever been.
“Take deep breaths”, I told myself. “Focus”.
By the time we arrived at the clinic I think I had somehow shifted out of my body and Brain was watching from a detached position.
“Come on, Smith, let’s go: left, right, left, right…”
It really helped that the receptionist smiled.
And the nurse was nice.
There followed a rather protracted wait before the doctor himself entered and I wondered whether in fact I had been forgotten. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
But I remained waiting, drawing pictures with an iPhone app.
Then the man arrived.
He was masked, so I could only sense that he was smiling, but he extended his hand, introducing himself.
Already I felt better but I needed to explain, in a nutshell, my slightly checkered medical past.
Previous “providers” had sat staring into their PC or laptop, barely acknowledging my presence. Reading from a script.
This doctor looked at me. Listened to me.
Did not look bored sick. Or sit on his legs!
Suggested a way forward.
So this is why I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But I am cautiously optimistic.
For me, that is a rave review.