Cloudy days

1719/1st March 2021

Not that being asked to prove I am alive has made me depressed or anything, but I’ve been wondering of late, what do you do with “stuff” when you don’t have anyone to leave it to?

Stuff that has some value can be sold or auctioned but some things are really of value only to one who might know about their provenance or relevance.

There are nieces and nephews overseas but they are thousands of miles and generations away, so hardly an option.

Some months ago, I mentioned my fathers stamp collection. I made an effort to find it a home, but it is still in my cupboard.

But more than the stamps, I hate to think of my father’s photographs of 1950’s Cambodia being thrown out because they have historic value. Someone, somewhere would probably like to have them, but how do you find such people?

Bits of old Cambodian silver too. It is not of very high quality, but it is old and pre-dates the awful war.

Maybe it’s just better to let history go?

After all, we are only transitory, like these clouds.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Yes, I’m in a strange “place”, at least my head is, but that too is temporary. Anti-depressants don’t work always and forever, so periodically one gets prescribed something different and of course it’s the old tapering trick. You can’t just stop one and start the other.

It isn’t fun, but it’s not like weaning off oxycodone, thank heaven.

When I feel this way, I think I shouldn’t write my blog, shouldn’t reveal these things about myself, but that is how it was most of my life. I kept everything to myself. Tried to smile when I wanted to howl and it was because on the rare occasions that I tried to reach out for understanding, I felt rejected. Maybe wasn’t meant that way. Maybe people don’t know what to say and so they clam up or change the subject. Sometimes, I was told not to feel sorry for myself. But that was by the person who was mentally tormenting me and largely the cause of my depression.

That’s the only reason I am going to post this. If someone reaches out to you from depression, don’t turn away. Stay and listen. You don’t have to do anything else. Just listen. Turning away from someone like me makes them feel there is something wrong with them, that they are worthless. And I don’t want people to feel like that.

Here are some more clouds that blew away…

My other clouds will blow away again soon…

6 thoughts on “Cloudy days

  1. Please don’t stop blogging. Sharing the many facets of YOU is so refreshing because it resonates with some part of many of your readers. You a wonderful chronicler of your past – the wonderful adventures – you take us places that you have been blessed to travel to (with lively companions) and describe things so well. Many of us can relate to unhappy childhoods and the many moves and feelings we have stuffed deep inside (feeling like we are the only ones) and appreciate your words and memories. Growing older is not for sissies and love to see you how persevere and keep your sense of humor even during the rough patches. Love to read about your many cats and see the wildlife and scenery outside your door. You are funny and kind and very special.

  2. I have just said the same thing to a friend of mine today … get it off your chest, share your anxiety with me (or someone else you trust) or just write it down on a piece of paper or on your computer.
    So this morning I’ve only listened to her while we had a few cups of tea … the result: This afternoon she phoned me and said she’s feeling better – still don’t have her answers, but she breathing more easily.
    Love your cloud photo’s – they never the same 💌.

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