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How is it possible that I’ve been gazing at this view for over six years now?
Time feels endless when you are young. I seem to have spent so much of it waiting.
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Waiting for Christmas or my birthday.
Waiting for school holidays.
Waiting for buses, trains and ‘planes.
Waiting for results of many kinds.
Those sorts of things eventually arrived.
.
Far too much time was spent, not really waiting, but hoping for things to get better, which didn’t necessarily.
It’s easy to see, when you look back and there’s an inclination to ask oneself why other choices were not made.
Instead of waiting, why did I not take action?
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Taking action is all very well, when you are the only person who will be affected by the outcome, but when other people are involved, or likely to suffer as a result, it makes you pause.
Aged 16, I was sent to live in New York with an aunt and uncle. She became my dearest friend. He made life tedious.
So, for five years while I completed my education, I dreamed of the time after graduation, when I would escape into the world and begin my life.
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But education costs money, so there were loans to pay back. Another year went by until I was financially independent.
Then, briefly, I moved out. A work colleague was escaping an abusive relationship so we decided to share a place, even though all we could afford was a cockroach-infested dump.
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It had been really hard leaving my aunt because I could not explain to her why I needed to get away and she was hurt, so I felt selfish.
What I had not realised was my uncle’s ability to manipulate, which he did in various ways…
Telling me stories about a recent murder that had taken place on a street not far from the apartment, had no effect.
Trying to persuade me that without my contributions to his budget, he and my aunt would lose their house would have been more of a concern, if I’d believed it.
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Two things wore me down.
My uncle followed me and sometimes camped outside our front door, which I found out when he accused us of “entertaining”.
Not his business, no, but he knew people who worked with the airport authorities and he implied that he could make things difficult for my roommate.
Then it was discovered that I had nodes on my thyroid and I was scheduled for surgery. I could have managed, but my aunt wanted to care for me. I loved and needed her.
It was just easier to give in and go back.
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After that I resigned myself to waiting until my aunt and uncle retired and moved out of state.
Then I would gain my independence!
By now, though, I was 29 and years of mental torment have a bad effect. Although you think yourself free, you really aren’t.
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A manipulator programmes your behaviour by their reactions, sulking or making nasty remarks.
The silent treatment was my uncle’s best weapon as I’d been ostracized once at boarding school and was extremely sensitive to it.
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Consequently, even after he’d moved away, I still telephoned regularly during the expected time frame and went frequently to visit, using up my collected time off.
It seems, however, that I can only be pushed so far and eventually I made a stand.
My visits were unpleasant because my uncle was inevitably disagreeable and it was very stressful for my aunt. He had always been difficult and I wasn’t sure whether my visits made things worse for her, but one day he told me that unless I visited for a week at a time, not to bother going.
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It was the last straw. I’d been bullied enough and for the next few years I used most of my time for myself, travelling with friends, dragging my excess baggage with me!
Until I got reeled back in…
So sorry, Carolyn, to read how badly you were treated, but couldn’t escape! Some families are difficult, which is so unfair. Still, your landscapes are beautiful, thank you!
Joanna
that sounds awful so sorry, it’s very hard to remove oneself from a toxic relationship
Your uncle sounds like a very insecure individual and a thoroughly nasty person!
It’s incredible how manipulative people can be, isn’t it? Your uncle probably knew how much you loved your aunt and exploited that. And hindsight is a wonderful thing … but sometimes when you’re in the situation, making the right decision isn’t necessarily that easy.
Your uncle sounds like a very nasty person. These days we would call that ‘Coercive Control’, and it has become a crime in the UK recently. It makes me think that he was obsessed with you in some way, and chose to use your love for your aunt to keep you close.
Best wishes, Pete.