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On a morphine pump, following spine surgery, I went on a two-day trip that must have been a visit to all my fears and insecurities.
None of it made sense, but it had a profound affect that remained with me for weeks if not months after in the form of dread.
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In the first part of my hallucination, I was standing with someone I knew, in a smoke-filled garage and I was greatly concerned for my cats. I believed that my doctor had persuaded me to have surgery in order to get his hands on my cats which he was using for experiments.
When finally I emerged from the haze, two days later, I was overcome with anxiety for my cats that were fine, cared for by a friend.
Long afterwards, I learned the person who I’d seen with me in the smoke-filled garage had had her elderly cat put to sleep that day, which one assumes was coincidence.
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Moving on from the garage, I found myself on the slopes of a volcano, circling it again and again and finally moving to a chamber within.
This hallucination had accompanying sound-effects, which I realised later were the nurse’s carts moving up and down the corridor.
In the nightmare it was ominous, the sound of death and destruction.
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From the volcano I transitioned to a river which was not frightening, but I kept hearing a phrase:
“Keep the river on your right.”
This I think came from a book I’d been reading. In my dream it seemed terribly important and the phrase continued as I was aboard a small plane flying circles over low over jungle.
The end of this odyssey saw me on a small boat which was offshore a tiny island in the Pacific.
It was the only place in the world still above water.
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It was dark and I could see small lights on the island. These turned out to be the headlights of traffic on the Interstate. By then, I was beginning to awaken, vaguely aware of a nurse poking at me periodically.
Next morning, a friend called and only then was I aware that I was still living, having been convinced that I was dead.
The morphine was not yet done, however.
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My mind was greatly confused, persuading me that different helpers who came to attend me were people I’d worked with at JFK.
When I slept, I saw small electronic characters from computer games.
Strangely, a few days later when I was more lucid, I overheard a patient in the adjacent room muttering in his own delusion about the same thing.
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It has been 18 years, almost to the day, since all of that and though I can remember it now without discomfort, it is still a quite vivid memory.
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You could call that vision, that hallucination, apocalyptic. I suspect it has been reawakened by coverage of the California fires and the earthquake in Tibet which has been much less in the news.
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And by that feeling in my guts.
In dire situations, it is of utmost importance to be led by someone who is clear-headed and courageous. By someone who understands empathy. By someone who inspires.
By someone who has a good team.
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To end this sombre post, here’s a happy little bird:
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White-crowned sparrow.
Thank you, Carolyn, for the interesting post! Good that you are better!
Joanna x
Those morphine dreams generated enough subject matter to make a few good novels!
Best wishes, Pete.
Feel free, Pete!
I’ve never had morphine, but I can imagine the dreams!