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First it seemed that my access to WP reader had vanished, but then I noticed the eyeglasses symbol and remembered, ah yes… hieroglyphics.
The new way.
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Opening a page to start writing was more of a problem and having got here, I’m not sure how I managed it.
Why the obsession with changing things that work perfectly? Perhaps it’s just me. I remind myself of my father at the end of his life, endlessly complaining that “they” had changed things when it was mostly that he’d forgotten how to do something.
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Dad had managed aging well, until radiation and chemo treatments bought him a few weeks at the expense of his quality of life.
Selling up in Barbados, in their early 70’s, my parents moved to Florida and after a lot of tedious paperwork, they were granted permanent residence in the USA based on my dual citizenship.
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Some years later, having no medical insurance, they moved back to England because of my mother’s health.
Widowed in his late 80’s, Dad returned to live near me in the States, but his resident’s status had expired and we were obliged to go through that whole process again.
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It took months, but in due course Dad was given an appointment for his interview downtown Seattle.
Allowing plenty of time, I went to pick him up and it was the one time he was not ready.
Traffic was even more horrible than usual and we arrived with just minutes to spare, but good luck parking.
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Stressed out, I grabbed the first space I could find, at the bottom of a steep hill. Luckily dad had a collapsible wheelchair. I shoved him in it and with difficulty manoeuvred it up the slope.
Needless to say, after all that, there was a prolonged wait and Dad was soon moaning about a cold draught, that I could do nothing about.
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Next day when I phoned, Dad complained the draught had caused a sore neck. I made placating noises but was going to work and dismissed it.
A couple of days later Dad said he now had a large lump on his neck, so I went to check.
It was a very large lump so I took Dad to a doctor whose opinion was that it was unlikely to be anything serious, but a needle biopsy was performed.
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At the follow-up appointment, Dad was given the diagnosis of oesophageal cancer. An oncologist gave him the option of treatment that would buy time but no cure. From all I knew of such things, I felt treatment was a poor choice, but I offered no opinion.
My brother was retired and to my immense relief he came to stay with Dad while he had the treatments.
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Peter and I found an assisted living facility that Dad liked and moved him in. By the time my brother left, Dad was doing better, but their goodbye must have been poignant. I was not there to witness it.
Only weeks later, Dad needed a feeding tube and had to be moved to a nursing home. The place was not awful and the staff were kind, but Dad was miserable and it all became a bit grim.
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You’d think it would be easier to lose someone you have not been close to. In some ways, of course, but instead of grief I was afflicted with guilt.
Guilt that I did not feel more. Guilt that I had not been kinder. Guilt that I left his ashes in the garage, unable to bear bringing them indoors.
Guilt that I resented every moment I had to spend with my own father.
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But it had been obvious it was the way he felt about me as a child. Later on I felt it was a relationship of convenience.
After Mum’s death, I took Dad on a couple of nice holidays and when Peter was widowed, the three of us took two great road trips from Seattle.
So I try to remember those times.
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The grief I did feel when Dad died was for what had never been. There had been such a brief glimmer once, when we were on holiday in 1958.
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This was not at all what I intended to post. The mention of “them” changing things led me here, so blame Word Press!
While writing I found more changes that caused a wastage of time and an uttering of bad words.
You, Carolyn, so kind and courteous, uttering bad words?! I don’t believe it! I like your tales of trials and tribulations in life and sympathize as I had many myself. Your father was right about unnecessary changes as I can see here happening often. The longest word in German is about making changes that instead of making things better, make them worse. What makes me sad is that I will miss your interesting comments after reading my posts…That’s life!
Joanna
Well I may have to go searching, but I shall always find your posts! Annd in case my comment didn’t register…here it is:Joanna…how many hours did you put into this wonderful assembly of music, videos and interesting information?! I shall have to return and go through it again a little at a time. Indeed, I agree that so much of music is inspired by Nature. We seem to enjoy many of the same composers and performers. Beethoven’s Pastoral has long been one of my most cherished pieces but there are so much wonderful music and we live in an age where we can call it up as we wish which may be the greatest gift of modern technology. Those last 3 videos of our beautiful planet are another treat. Thank you once again, Joanna!
I was somewhat perplexed too when WP yet again made unannounced changes. They may have been announced somewhere but, if they were, I never saw it. I managed to spot the eyeglasses after a few attempts at accessing Reader in other ways. Change!!!! If needed OK, if not then please leave alone!
Another unnecessary change that nobody knew about. WP does this on purpose, I am convinced of that now, and nothing will shake me on it.
I had a difficult relationship with my father, and was relieved when he moved out of the family home when I was 23. I tried to think back to the good times, but the bad times were more frequent, so stayed in my memory. When he died I was relieved once again, even though I hadn’t seen him since the day he moved out.
Best wishes, Pete.
WordPress has become my go-to swear word.
Oh, it annoys me when things change (which I think worked perfectly before) … could this be proof that I’m getting old now? I think there’s always some kind of regret when a loved one dies — things like I didn’t do enough, I don’t grieve enough, wish things were different, and so on. But then there’s this thought: It’s not going to change anything about the situation, so instead of brooding over it, rather accept your feelings and emotions and move on with your own life. Does it sound like I’m insensitive now? I hope not.
Not at all. Just sensible!