What if….

Today a woodchuck was sighted in the field below the house!
When I was born
I came too soon.
A leap year babe,
Supposed to appear
On the 29th,
But came instead
Valentine's plus 2.

All of which,
You may well think,
Matters not at all.

But

I have a theory....
What if
By making my appearance
13 days too soon,
The spirit I was meant to be,
Wasn't quite prepared?

What if, instead,
A random spirit
Found itself
Seized away from where
Away from "who"
It belonged?
Could this account for why
A melancholy babe was born?

All the days I can recall,
From when I was quite small,
I've had
An empty place
Within my heart
Or perhaps within my soul.

I didn't know
What it could be.
I thought of it as "thirst",
In my young confused mind.

It didn't always feel so strong
Unless I was alone.
Then it became an ache.

Many years it's taken me
To think what it could be.
What I'd call it now
Is "longing"
Longing for a part of me
In another place or time.

Perhaps.

Three days ago, quite unexpectedly, I fell off a cliff into a bottomless pit of sadness I haven’t experienced for years. I struggled with depression for a long time and as recently as two years ago, I was very melancholy. But I don’t remember it being as bad. I don’t remember that it felt like such longing, such an emptiness in my soul.

With so many years experience with therapy, I have always been good at figuring out what has triggered a bad episode, but this had me flummoxed. Where did it come from? Saturday afternoon I suddenly stood up and took myself to bed where I remained until Sunday afternoon, wrapped up like a cocoon, sobbing. For what, for whom?

When I managed, with the assistance of a couple of medications, to calm myself down, I thought back to what I had been doing when I fell off this metaphoric cliff.

For several weeks I posted on the blog the story of my childhood, up to the time of my arrival on Long Island and some where about then, I wasn’t sure about posting more, but I kept writing it for myself.

What I found myself writing was something I never really discussed with any of my numerous therapists. My aunt was probably the only person who ever knew.

When I went to work at the airport, I very soon met a man who was part of the “team”, someone I would work closely with at times, for several years. I suppose I had heard his name mentioned in the office but the moment I saw him, I knew instantly who he was without being introduced.

It wasn’t a “love at first sight” thing. It was much stronger than that. This was someone much older and married. I had no weird notions of getting involved and breaking up his marriage. I knew we would never have a relationship but I longed to be with him. Sex may have been part of it. He was a very sexy man, but I just wanted to be with him.

It sounds like an obsession, but it was not. There was no way I was going to make a nuisance of myself to him. I just loved him and I felt that I had loved him for a very long time. He liked me well enough and we were friends. I had the feeling it could have been closer but he warned me to be careful. I think he suspected how I felt and I daresay he worried that I would think there were possibilities for us, but I would not have allowed it to happen. I am not a marriage-wrecker.

My aunt got me to tell her one day why I was so blue and it made her angry. My friend had done nothing to encourage me, but my aunt said she wished he would die. As a kid she had a baby sister that she didn’t like, and she had wished her to die, which she did. In the early 20th Century, young infants did quite often die, I suppose. But my friend was diagnosed with cancer not long after and he died too. Coincidence. I suppose.

It was when I was writing about this that I suddenly felt the awful emptiness in my heart again, as if I was separated from my soulmate and maybe that is why all my life I have felt such longing.

It all sounds very fanciful, probably the ramblings of a melancholic mind, but on the other hand, what do we really know of our energy and where it goes, what it attaches to “on the other side”.

How do cats recognise their person? I’ve seen it happen enough times to know they definitely do.

I also know that Willow is not the reincarnation of Panther whose loss devastated me.

I’ve come to realise that she represents parts of many cats that I loved and lost.

It sounds crazy, perhaps. Just an old woman looking for her lost pets.

All I can say is that Willow recognised me and came to me and quite obviously regards me as her person when she could quite as easily have taken Grant to be her person.

How it works, I’ve no idea, but I am very grateful that Willow came to me because she brings me so much comfort.

Today we finally saw a wood chuck running around in the field down below!

8 thoughts on “What if….

  1. I think we all have those thoughts of what our lives might have been like if this or that had happened. IF you had been born on the day you were expected and IF you and your friend could have had a closer relationship and IF he had not died, would you still have this deep longing that you can’t quite figure out where it comes from or what causes it?

    I hope the days of sadness are fewer in the coming days. I don’t know about you, but I feel so much better when I can get out in the sunshine and fresh air.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, C Smith! That’s a lot in one post! I hope you are feeling better and can really resonate with your relationship issue as I got myself involved too in a one sided situation with someone who liked me but wanted no commitment! It hurts to like someone who does not have the same feelings but we are still friends so I guess that is the plus in the end. Anyway, life is very uneasy for everyone right now and my anxiety keeps creeping in which I am trying to control. I’m visiting my friend in Orlando for a few days to take my mind off it all hopefully! But I do worry about my family and friends in Seattle. Anyway, I really enjoy your stories, you are a very entertaining blogger! Retirement is looming for me in sept so hoping to get Denise to take me to see NYC one of these days and a stopover in your neck of the woods would be awesome! Take care and chin up! Remember your English stiff upper lip! lol

    Like

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