Tristesse

It's been coming for a day or two now
I felt it's tendrils, reaching out
Circling me.
"No", I said
"It's not that"
"It's all the bad news,
"There's been so much
"The Australian holocaust
"The Middle East
"It's enough to make one weep!"

But it wasn't that.
This morning at 8am tristesse crept up
And enveloped me.
The way she used to do,
Sneaky, sudden
Out of nowhere.

But I knew she was back.
Bitch.
It's a feeling deep inside
Like a wave passing through
A spasm, almost though not quite
It becomes impossible to speak
The voice breaks down
And you start to weep.

"What's wrong?" someone will ask
And what can you say?
"I'm sad."
"What about?'
"Everything!!!"
"I'm sad about our bird that died in 1956"
"Sad about the beggar my dad shooed away in 1958"
"Sad about the dandelion under the West Seattle Bridge....."

"Wait, what, dandelions?"

That's how it is.
It doesn't make sense
But can I stop it?
Not at all, not by myself.

So once more, resort to pills
Even though the one I need
Is a bad mix
With some other I take
Could make me sleepy, dopey
And impair my judgment.
That's the one that worries me
As I'm inclined to do impulsive things
Even when I'm "sane".

But you cannot spend each day
Weeping time away
Feeling guilty for wasting time
In such a pathetic way.

If I could get my hands on you
Tristesse,
I'd pull you all apart
I'd rip you to shreds
And step on you
And post you to the West Seattle Bridge
You could live there with
My dandelion.

Bitch


Damn. It’s caught up with me again. Just another juggle of meds will send it on it’s way. I wish it didn’t make me feel like such a loser.

13 thoughts on “Tristesse

  1. I’m so sorry about your sadness and all I can do is send my love to you and hopes for you to feel better soon. I can’t say I know just how you feel, but I do go through some of that in September and October when I see winter coming around the corner. I know I have SAD and I merely tolerate the short, cold days and Christmas holidays, when everyone else is so happy, but I’m not. Now that the days are just minutes longer, I feel better. I hope you will, too, and very soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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